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How to give a cat a pill ... and a dog, too

How to give a cat a pill:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire station to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbours who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little @#£&;%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in cheese and bacon

Comments

  • Been there, done that!! :D :D :D
  •  :D :D :D   So true, except that just cheese has worked for all my dogs.   
  •  :D :D :D
    Had to administer daily pill to a cat for thyroidism for 8 years ... !!! ...there is a technique I promise .... & don`t try & fool a Border Collie with pills wrapped in food ... they won`t have it 
    & to take it it a different level I have to administer a pill to 2 ponies each day .. one will take it disguised in a handful of special coarse mix (oats pony nuts etc.) - the other has to have its pill put into a cellulose outer casing before it will entertain opening its mouth for any goody 
  • @Mary_Ann.  Know what you mean about Border collies.  It took a hunk of cheese to fool mine.  And sometimes, I would find my Irish Setter making funny faces, only to find a pill stuck in his dangly cheeks :D
  • I do wonder why they can't make them taste of bacon or cheese in the first place :)
  • Kasey said:
    I do wonder why they can't make them taste of bacon or cheese in the first place :)
    Good idea !
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